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Archive for September, 2012

Why, hello there.  I know its been a while since I’ve posted…  I caught myself “waiting” to have something “wise” to say.  But really, ambiguity has come to live with me lately and I’ve been… uncomfortable?  Annoyed?  Impatient?  In denial…!

I NEED to face the uninvited ambiguity that has come to stay. 

I have written much about the gifts of learning to sit with ambiguity, the freedom that can come if you just accept the unknown.  I see now that I’ve been running away from the ambiguity that has begun to roost in my life.  I refused to see it until now.  It’s almost like I refused to admit I was not using my skills for sitting with what is unknown.  Instead I fought tooth and nail to make the unknown known.  I have caused myself suffering because of this, yes, but I also have been humbled by the experience of ambiguousness choosing me rather than me choosing it, as I have had the luxury of doing in the past.

Ambiguity has been seeping into my life for months:  my partner’s job search starts and stops, the unknown way we still try to get bills paid, month after month (on one salary instead of two), the threats and hopes that have peeked through the clouds of my career–all of this has not made for a very stable existence.  I find it interesting that there has been all of this rich ambiguity and it’s only now occurred to me to post about it.  On my blog about sitting with ambiguity(!).   

Perhaps, in order to survive–just get through it– I’ve been white-knuckling it, keeping my head down and complaining a lot about why I can’t know how it will all turn out.

It’s been indescribably difficult to not know what is going on in my life.  I’m sorry, but it has.  If it were one thing I was unsure of, I could handle it.  Maybe two things; piece of cake.  But with ALL the things being so very up in the air?  A silent panic slipped around my heart and apparently I’m just now noticing. 

Of course, I also have the luxury of writing today from a place of greater certainty.  And I have to admit, it is an immense RELIEF!  My partner found a job! (Hallelujah.)  At my agency job, things have turned out to be amazingly more hopeful and empowering than threatening. 

It honestly feels like I have been bracing for getting hit with the unknown for months and I finally know its safe to come out of the bomb shelter.  What is now known is:  it is safe.  So, I suppose I realize it was NOT safe for all those months.  Maybe deep down I couldn’t risk realizing just how scary all this uncertainty was (or felt)?  Uncertainty that comes to stay is freaking hard.  It seems normal to want at least some “knowns” you feel you can count on. 

You know, it’s great to face the unknown with courage and hope.  But if you run like hell, just know that you are human!

I have to wonder if I was running so hard from actual danger or merely the pain of not-knowing. 

current music faves:  lana del ray, dirty projectors

current show faves:  bunheads (hate the name, love the show), great food truck race, totally biased with kamau bell

breakfast today:  steak ‘n shake pancakes, sausage, eggs

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