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This blog is about honoring what the soft-animal of your body loves. One thing I know the soft-animal of my body loves is: truth. Bringing truth into consciousness, sharing the truth, being able to see the truth sooner next time. No matter who you are, learning to perceive domestic violence (DV) dynamics helps arm one with the truth. We pick up today with the Cycle of Violence and being curious about the Jungian archetypes that exist within it.  And maybe even wondering which archetypes might help one to break out of it.

 

Cycle of Violence 101

In revisiting the Cycle of Violence, start at the Tension-building Phase and follow it through to the Explosion Phase. An explosion such as yelling or hitting tends to be followed by the Honeymoon Phase. See graphic below. In some cases the Honeymoon Phase is skipped entirely with the cycle swinging between tension and explosion. And then repeat.  And repeat again… That is how cycles work, after all.

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The Cycle of Violence describes a behavioral cycle common in abusive relationships, one that repeats over and over, tending to follow a repetitive pattern and worsening over time, with one person complying with the one who has the power and control.

 

Let’s think a moment about the person who complies or receives the controlling behavior. What might we call him or her? The “victim” of the controlling person? Perhaps. The controlled person? Maybe. I think what’s most urgently motivating that person’s mind and heart is something more simple:  survival, safety, peace. Safety for herself (or himself) but also perhaps safety for children that are sometimes present as well. Let us remember that the person on the receiving end of tension, explosions and apologies from the other person is really just trying to survive. Many people believe and hope that these moments of tension, explosion, apology will be over at some point and things will go back to “normal”. There’s also hope that their partner will change and “snap out of it” and then everyone involved can have safety and peace. Wouldn’t that be nice?  Unfortunately when it comes to cyclical behavior it tends to repeat eventually.

 

Most DV literature refers to the victim as “her” though males and people who do not identify as female also certainly experience domestic violence. We will call the person on the receiving end of violence “the survivor” because that’s what he or she is trying to do, survive. We will call the other party—the one attempting to maintain power-and-control over the other—“the abuser”.

 

So why is it so rare for abusers to “snap out of it” and change for the better? And not just change once and go back to abusive behavior but really change “for good”? One of the reasons behavior  doesn’t change is because the person doing the abusive/ controlling stuff is subtly or subconsciously benefiting from it. Even when confronted to change their behavior—the abuser’s immediate response tends toward defensiveness, denial and blaming the other person. As TV’s favorite fake-psychologist Dr. Phil loves to say, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. Abusers are notorious for failing to acknowledge– or “own”–their problematic behavior, therefore making it difficult to address or change. Especially if that abuser keeps pointing to the behavior of their partner as the “reason” they are abusive. Convenient, no?

 

Archetypes 101 + DV

I’ll be honest, I’m a huge Jungian Psych nerd. And, as you know, I was a DV advocate for many years in Chicago. So when reading a book like Carol Pearson’s Awakening the Heroes Within: Twelve Archetypes to Help Us Find Ourselves and Transform Our World I can’t help but take it in through the lens of the DV.  As you know, DV is all about power and control dynamics. Archetypal psychology (via Jung’s work) presents a system of understanding universal patterns of energy active inside each of us, regardless of culture or gender.

 

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Real quick, here’s a mini-review on what archetypes actually are: archetypes are representations of universal human themes manifested as images in paintings and characters in literature and stories (for example, think of the universal-ness of the ideas of ‘the mother’, ‘the fool’, ‘the warrior’, ‘the magician’; these are all archetypes). I know archetypal concepts may seem confusing at first but they are extremely useful wisdom-guides for our internal and external lives. They “exist” in the unconscious mind of each individual as well as the “collective unconscious” that all of us access, whether we are aware of it or not. Read more about the awesomeness that is the collective unconscious here.

 

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Through Carol Pearson’s book I became intrigued. Which archetypes might be involved in the experience of the survivor of DV? I was struck by how many notes I made in the margins of certain chapters that, over and over, related to the DV survivor experience. Now, I know, I know; I’m biased since I’ve worked with survivors of DV for years but it was pretty uncanny how so many archetypal descriptions—or the “shadow” of certain archetypes—matched one part or another of the survivor experience per the Cycle of Violence.

 

I believe there is a larger truth beneath the surface of the constellation of 12 archetypes Pearson presents. Perhaps like Pearson’s “heroic quest sequence” of 12 archetypes (see the full list here), I  believe there’s another archetypal sequence involved in the tumultuous journey of the DV survivor around the cycle of violence that involves the following archetypes: The Innocent, The Caregiver, The Orphan, The Warrior.

 

To illustrate this archetypal sequence involved in the cycle of violence, I’ll use the example of Clara.

Clara was a married 39 year-old woman living in an upper-middle class neighborhood. She had two children in middle-school. Her husband Joe regularly called her names, put down her job working outside the home and pressured her to quit in order to focus on “being a mother” even though without her income they would be unable to meet their monthly expenses. When Clara and Joe first met Clara felt like she was swept off her feet by how well he treated her. She had been warned that Joe had not always been nice to his partners and one of his exes even died in unexplained circumstances. Joe shared that he witnessed violence between his parents when he is a child and his father was the absent-type. Clara felt attracted to Joe, in part, because he had been mistreated and she thought that being in a loving relationship with her would help him heal. Clara and Joe got married when Clara was in college, she became pregnant with her first child while still in school. Joe pressured Clara to quick school to get married and focus on being a wife and mother. Clara put her education on hold and never returned. Clara’s mother always encouraged her relationship with Joe because he had a good job and could provide for her and the kids. Clara’s mother herself had been in a string of unhealthy relationships since her father died when Clara was young. Clara used to work as an in-home aid for disabled people. Clara often valued care-taking others above caring for her own needs. Even though Clara didn’t like having to quit her job to focus on being a stay-at-home mom, Clara continued to try to see the “blessings” in her situation and tried to appreciate this turn of events as an opportunity. She would tell herself, “maybe isn’t so bad that Joe won’t let me work, I get to spend more time with the kids at least”.

 

Sometimes Clara noticed a “walking-on-eggshells” feeling in the house with Joe. She noted that Joe’s short fuse with her and the kids made her feel as if she could never do anything right or be pleasing to him despite how much she tried. Joe sometimes got so angry he punched the wall near Clara’s head or threw things. Sometimes when they argue he would not let her leave the room and would block the door or held Clara her down so they could “finish the conversation”. Once Joe pushed Clara against the wall and left bruises on her. Joe apologized to Clara and promised never to push her again. Joe promised to go to couples counseling with her. Clara felt a little relieved when Joe would offer to go to counseling and made promises to change. As the weeks went by and no arrangements were made to attend counseling, Clara began to feel more anxious and tense as Joe’s behavior slowly returned to the usual emotional-distance and tense disapproval of her. Then one day during an argument in the car Joe suddenly struck Clara in the face. Clara had asked for money to get more groceries after making the $50 he gave her three weeks before stretch as far as it possibly could. She had been noticing Joe had a tendency to be extremely miserly and controlling about money for the family and yet had a habit of buying himself the latest tech gadgets. When she drove to the grocery store he had a habit of checking the odometer in her car to make sure she wasn’t going additional places without his knowledge. Clara was shocked he had struck her and she decided to take the kids to stay with her mother for a few days.

 

When her mother saw the mark on Clara’s face she expressed concern. Clara told her mother what had been going on with Joe’s controlling and abusive ways. Clara shared that although she had hoped Joe’s behavior would somehow change it had only seemed to worsen over time. As Clara talked about what had been happening it occurred to her that she had subtly been leaving out details over time, hiding the truth from those around her out of embarrassment but also keeping the truth of the abuse a secret from those closest to her. Clara returned home after Joe apologized and begged her to give him another chance, but it did not feel the same. Joe went back to acting like everything was “normal”. In summer, Clara decided to start saving money from babysitting neighborhood kids during the day and started putting it in a bank account Joe was unaware of. One day Clara was offered a full-time job at her children’s school and she said yes without first consulting Joe. Something inside Clara felt that it was important for her to be able to work and earn money if that’s what she felt compelled to do, even if Joe would disapprove. When Clara told Joe he raged at her about it. Joe guilted her about how she was “selfish” and a “bad mother” for going back to work. Clara decided to ignore him and kept going to work and taking care of the kids before and after school. Out of the house and at her new job she felt a sense of freedom and separate identity that she realized she hadn’t felt in years. She realized how trapped she had felt being a stay-at-home mother when that wasn’t her personal dream or desire but Joe’s. After a few months Joe demanded Clara give him the money she had been earning at her new job. She refused, saying she earned it and it is hers. She knew Joe earned three times what she earned so it struck her as odd for him to demand the money as if he needed it. She stood her ground and on her lunch break started writing in a journal about her feelings and thoughts about her relationship with Joe.

 

She began to wonder if how he treated her was abnormal, not ok. She had mostly felt she had done something to “deserve” the treatment Joe gave her but she was starting to question that. She began to confide in a friend at work about her relationship’s “quirks”. Clara told her about Joe striking her, pushing her, keeping her from leaving the room when they argued. Clara’s friend expressed concern and shared with her that she also went through something similar years before and it had turned out those things qualified legally as domestic abuse. Clara was surprised but felt a certain kind of validation knowing that what Joe’s behavior had a name and that it’s not healthy. Clara googled “what behaviors qualify as domestic abuse” and was shocked to see so much of her husband’s behavior on the list of what’s considered abusive. She started keeping a log of things he did to her, just in case it could useful one day.  She noted it also helped her feel like she was doing something productive.

 

Joe had started drinking at a bar nearly every day after work and coming home intoxicated, falling down and breaking the kid’s toys and being loud. One day, Joe showed up at the school where Clara worked and insisted on seeing her while she was working. He was drunk and grabbed Clara’s wrist. Joe told her he was fired and it was just as well because he knows why Clara got this job in the first place, as an excuse to talk to other men. Clara told him he must leave. He refused. Clara asked her boss if she might leave early to take Joe home, and thankfully, her boss agreed. On the way home Joe was apologetic, promising he would get another job and he knew he shouldn’t have shown up at her work. Clara put him to bed and hoped things would get better. Two weeks later Clara came out of work with the kids along with a male co-worker and Joe was waiting in the school parking lot. He was intoxicated again and Joe started yelling at Clara accusing her of cheating on him. He yelled insults at Clara in front of the kids and tried to physically attack Clara’s co-worker. Clara again drove him and the kids home. He apologized and promised he will never do that again, he promised to start going to church like she wanted in the beginning of their relationship. Clara was glad he was sorry but she was also starting to wonder if she might need to consider separating from her husband who was becoming increasingly erratic.

 

One day, Clara’s co-worker friend offered to store an overnight bag of supplies of hers and the kids just in case she might need to leave her house suddenly, given what’s been going on with Joe’s erratic behavior. Clara was skeptical that it would be needed but the next day brought overnight bags with stuff for her and the kids and put them in her friend’s car. Clara reviewed her log of incidents with Joe and realized she had been documenting a steady stream of abusive behavior for the past 6 months including physical abuse, emotional/ verbal abuse, controlling behavior and intimidating behavior too. 

 

Clara had the kids spend the night with her mother to get a chance to talk with Joe alone. Clara planned to talk to Joe about her need for him to change “for real this time” and her belief that going to couples counseling or individual counseling for him would be a concrete way to begin to effect change.  She had researched safe ways to confront abusive spouses and learned that the kitchen and bathroom are considered the most dangerous places in the house, should physical arguments break out. Clara decided to talk to Joe on the front porch so that just in case things went poorly she could leave more easily. Joe had just finished mowing the grass and was about to go for a beer when Clara asked him if they could talk. On the porch, Clara shared her concerns with Joe that his behavior had become increasingly unacceptable recently and that something needed to change, and asked if he would consider attending counseling. Joe minimized his behavior as being due to stress from being unemployed and why is Clara nagging him all the time? He said that if it weren’t for her getting a new job he wouldn’t have been so upset and wouldn’t have lost his job. Joe offered to start going to church with Clara but refused to consider counseling because he insisted “only crazies go to counseling, and I’m not crazy! You’re the crazy one for being so selfish all the time”. Clara said she needed him to go to counseling or she would have to exit the relationship, things had gotten too out of hand and could not continue, that she could not continue exposing the kids–or herself–to a situation that was harmful when there was no real solution planned or in sight. Joe became enraged and stood up suddenly and moved toward Clara as if to strike her. He said “if you leave me, you’ll be sorry, you’ll all be sorry”. Clara immediately ran to her car and drove straight to her mother’s house and told her what had happened. Clara asked her friend if she could bring the overnight bags to her mom’s house. Clara called a domestic violence counseling agency hotline and arranged for an emergency counseling session for the next day. The DV counselor listened and educated her on her rights and options, as a survivor of DV. The DV counselor alerted Clara to the fact that because Joe threatened her (“you’ll be sorry…”) and because Clara had kept detailed notes in her log from the past few months about multiple abusive episodes and behaviors Clara qualified to request an Order of Protection from the court to protect her from her husband. She also lets Clara know she had a right to report the threat he made to the police if she wished. The counselor made Clara aware of her options but did not pressure her to take action on any of them. The counselor continually mentioned how her husband used “power and control” to keep Clara captive and noted that because Clara had been controlled in the past it was especially important for Clara to be the one in control of her own choices from then on. Clara chose to pursue the emergency Order of Protection and used one of the “remedies” available within it to get sole possession of the house and Joe was able to be escorted out of the house with a police escort as part of her safety plan.

 

Now, two years later, Clara is in school to become a school administrator, she divorced Joe. She speaks to survivors of DV to help other people realize that DV can often hide in plain sight and though it can be scary to realize it is freeing to see the truth, set boundaries and take action to not be abused any longer. Clara reflects about the transformation she realizes she had to go through in order to take steps to leave a relationship that had grown increasingly abusive. Clara shares that it is not easy to wake up to the truth about her husband’s behavior but she is thankful she was willing to open her eyes, value herself and her kids peace, and embrace a life free from abuse and full of more vitality and possibility.

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The Cycle of Violence can be clearly seen playing out in Clara’s story. We can see that Clara is in the Tension Phase when she reports a feeling of walking on eggshells or when she struggles with judgement from Joe that she can do “nothing right”. There are several explosions from Joe towards Clara (pushing, striking her, blocking her from leaving, yelling, showing up at her work, ie stalking, control and emotional abuse as well).  During the Honeymoon Phase Clara sometimes accepted Joe’s apologies, sometimes he would make promises to change and offer to do something she had been wanting her to do, like go to church or just “making sure it never happens again”. And yet. Each Honeymoon Phase that involved promises-made were consistently followed not by sustained change but by more tension and explosions that worsened over time.

 

Cycle of Violence Archetypal Sequence

Clara’s story also illustrates the archetypal sequence that maps closely the phases in the Cycle of Violence:

  1. The Innocent (Tension-Building Phase and Honeymoon Phase)
  2. The Caregiver (Tension-Building Phase and Honeymoon Phase)
  3. The Orphan (Tension-Building Phase, after the cycle has repeated numerous times and the survivor is more cynical)
  4. The Warrior (Setting boundaries following Explosion Phase)

      = The Rebel (Once the survivor exits the Cycle of Violence all together)

 

See the boxes below for a summary of each archetype, including the goals, fears, tasks, gifts and approaches to problems inherent to each per Carol Pearson’s book Awakening the Heroes Within. Try to notice how each of these might manifest specifically in the context of DV and Clara’s story.

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The Innocent Archetype is linked to our desire to trust life and to have faith–sometimes blind faith– in others. Innocent energy tends to be trusting even though trust is sometimes not warranted or has not been fully earned.  The Innocent archetype embodies an idealistic view of the behaviors of others even when the behaviors of others may actually be unacceptable or unhealthy.  If one is in Innocent energy when in abusive relationship there may be a tendency to endorse or “okay” the abusive behavior of the partner.  The Innocent archetype is also associated with the phenomenon of being overly-quick-to-commit in romantic relationships, which is a common way for cycles of violence to start.

 

The Shadow of the Innocent archetype is defined by the use of denial, irrational optimism, unwarranted trust, repression and conformity. The Shadow-Innocent keeps walking into the same abusive situations and getting mistreated time and time again.

 

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How does the Innocent archetype show up in Clara’s struggle? When she first gets to know Joe she sees him as merely misunderstood, needing consistent love and understand that she hopes to provide. In the beginning Clara seems to work to remain in denial of any emotions other than happiness and “that’s-ok-it-will-be-alright”. She holds a highly idealistic view of her relationship (as many of us do). For a time she seemed unaware that she is living with an abuser, trapped in a house and trapped in a cycle of abuse. Even her mother’s guidance encourages her to stay with Joe because he can provide for her and the kids financially. She is encouraged by her mother to trust Joe, encouraged that there is nothing to worry about and to keep going with the relationship despite red flags and warnings from others that Joe “is not always nice to his partners and one of his exes even died in unexplained circumstances”. From Innocent energy we trust the advice of others without checking it out for ourselves or checking it against our own intuition. Even advice from mothers can come with a blind spot sometimes. Sometimes when we ignore warning signs we are engaging in denial of truths that would keep us safe; we may be channeling the Shadow-Innocent. There is also a hint of “quick-commitment”  that smacks of Innocent archetype energy–when Clara gets pregnant before completing her college studies and she abandons her education  plans to pursue matrimony and parenthood with Joe.  The Innocent archetype aligns the survivor’s experience of The Honeymoon Phase and its inherent “he’ll change” belief.

 

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The Caregiver Archetype is present in the part of us that operates like a nurturing parent, teacher, or coach. This archetypal energy tends to be generous, loving, attentive and devoted to the development of those under their care though not smothering.  In the context of DV it involves the survivor trying to be understanding and care for others, even those who exhibit abusive behaviors and attitudes. The generosity of Caregiver energy often gets taken advantage of by the abuser who may guilt the person into doing what the abuser wants (“if you love me, you will do this”, ie, if you really cared you would agree to comply or “only I understand him, no one else does”). When pure caring for someone gets twisted into codependency or coercive control it is no longer a healthy situation. Innocent energy getting twisted is also notable in the Honeymoon Phase when a survivor tries to arrange for the abuser to attend counseling.  This is inappropriate and indicative of a lack of responsibility being taken by the abusive party.

 

The Shadow of the Caregiver archetype is defined by a distinct lack of boundaries in their caring, use of enabling behaviors, codependent love, tendency to see self as the “suffering martyr” making sacrifices for everyone else but resenting it, and they may view self-care as selfish and therefore be extreme in withholding care from themselves.  Shadow-Caregiver energy is defined by expecting to be able to continue to give endlessly while never allowing receiving to happen from self or others. Shadow-Caregiver energy involves merging with the person being cared for in an unhealthy way but it also accounts for a perception that self-care is not needed.

 

How is the Caregiver Archetype present in the case of Clara? When Clara tries to make the best of her situation, she gives up her caregiving job and tries to focus on caring for the children. Even her desire to heal her husband through caring for him in the relationship, that’s Clara channeling the archetype of The Caregiver. It’s not that it’s bad to be a caring person; it’s when that caring is taken advantage of or used to remain in denial of someone’s bad behavior that it can become problematic. Caregiver energy may have encouraged Clara to focus on her own actions as a way to transform her abuser to a non-abuser in  her mind. Clara often worked to serve him as best she could, seemingly in hopes of preventing attacks but also de-emphasizing her own needs, cutting her off from her intuition in favor of giving and caring. Focusing on Joe’s emotions may have helped distract Clara from her own emotions of confusion, sadness or anger hiding deep inside.  Caregiver energy often skews towards a codependent pattern in abusive relationships.   In the context of the cycle of violence we can see how it plays a role in tolerating tension in the first phase of the cycle and then it also keeps Clara making excuses for Joe following an explosion. It is tempting for the DV survivor to make the excuse that they are “making a sacrifice for the greater good” by staying with a DV abuser, though we can see how that starts to be an unhealthy twisting of The Caregiver archetypal energy. Over time it can become an excuse for the abuser to continue their abusive behavior unchecked.

 

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The Orphan Archetype involves safety having been lost somehow and trying to regain it by being savvier this time around. Orphan energy comes in when there is an experience of failure of protection or nurturing from a loved one. There may be experiences of psychological or physical abandonment followed by an increase in cynicism about relationships and a refocusing on meeting one’s own needs (rather than expecting others to help meet one’s needs). The Orphan Archetype is involved in the survivor experiencing “abandonment” from abuser in the form of violation of emotional/ physical safety during explosions and tension building and broken promises, the survivor becomes internally or externally more cynical about their abuser’s behavior or romantic relationships in general. The survivor may exhibit cynical compliance and resentment towards abuser. They may feel alone and isolated from others without help yet may subtly refuse offers of help at times. They may experience a sense of aloneness within their romantic relationship which is hostile and abusive while also  becoming increasingly isolated from family and friends. They may internalize this aloneness as meaning they are not worth being valued by others or that they somehow deserve to be alone or mistreated. They may experience an increase in being fiercely independent and expect to meet their own needs at all times as a form of self-protection. Many mothers caught in a DV situation adopt Orphan energy or attitudes that help them focus on the needs of the children or their role as mother as a way of deemphasizing the needs in the spousal relationship (“screw it, I’ll just be the best mother I can be, even if I my husband is a jerk and I’m not fulfilled romantically in this relationship”).

 

The Shadow of the Orphan is defined by intense cynicism about the possible caring of others, there is a sense that being stuck in a situation that is hopeless, and they may use the role of “victim” to stay stuck or, at times, refuse help or insist on doing things by oneself.

 

How does Orphan Archetype energy show up in Clara’s experience with DV? When Clara starts to realize Joe has abandoned her emotionally and by wielding his control and coersion as weapons during Explosion Phases, she realizes he will not let her live her dreams as fully as she would like and her response is to start focusing on aliveness outside the house (ie, career) as well as inside the house (ie, focus on her children). Clara begins to realize she truly is being mistreated and exploited in the relationship. She finally considers at least taking care of herself a little more– she gets a job–even without her husband’s express permission or blessing– that is Clara embodying the archetype of The Orphan. The Orphan archetype comes from a sense of abandonment, yes, but there is also a rallying to be more clever to survive. She began to employ the strategy of pouring herself into giving the kids a good experience even as her own spousal experience was growing worse. She tried to ignore Joe getting in the way of her goals. Perhaps Clara was engaging in “cynical compliance” in remaining with Joe? Clara’s pursuit of a job gave her an opportunity to connect with others outside the home and was a way to put an end to the isolation Joe had woven around her. It’s almost as if Clara began to see her situation more realistically and was more empathetic towards herself and her plight. Her disillusionment with the situation and her husband’s behavior is notable at certain points of the story; this is Orphan energy showing through in questioning how she was being treated.

 

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The Warrior Archetype is defined by protecting and defending boundaries, claiming our power in the world and making efforts to make the world a better and healthier place.  Without Warrior energy we have little defense against the demands and intrusions of others. This archetype may connect with anger, in a healthy way, spurring us to take action to restore justice. Warrior archetype energy helps a DV survivor start to set boundaries, stand up for one’s self and be willing to confront their abuser to demand that he or she stop their abuse and/ or change. It takes courage to connect with anger and not just feelings of sadness or fear. Survivors that take anger too far may get into Shadow-Warrior territory (which is what the abuser is likely stuck in). Warrior energy taken too far may lead to extreme self-protection that involves violence. We hear about cases like this on the news, cases  in which the abuser was killed by the survivor who was defending herself after years of abuse and violence (commonly called the “Battered Women’s Syndrome Defense” in court cases).

 

The Shadow-Warrior is predatory, ruthless, abusive and conquering. It is defined by viewing people that are different than self as wrong or threatening. There is often an obsessive need to win and there’s a use of power for winning. Often there’s a rejection of ambiguity and an insistence on rigid boundaries that can sometimes hurt more than protect. It is worth noting that DV abusers are often stuck in Shadow-Warrior archetypal energy. We can see that over time Joe began to embody the Shadow-Warrior by insisting on winning, controlling and being threatened by almost anything and everything Clara tried to do and working to stop her, control her, dominate her.

 

Where does Clara’s Warrior-archetype energy show up in the story? When Clara starts to set more boundaries, be more assertive, and make plans to follow through on boundaries and takes steps to leave she is beginning to embrace the archetype of the Warrior. Clara embraced creative solutions to her problem of feeling trapped in a potentially dangerous relationship; her friend offers to keep overnight bags with supplies in them just in case she needed to flee quickly and Clara willing to say yes. Clara seemed unable to “unsee” what she now could finally see about how her partner allowed himself to treat her; Clara had begun to connect with her anger. Clara began to reject Joe’s views of the world that she used to accept so easily. Once she ends up figuring out that she needed to leave she spent time figuring out the hows and whens. Clara seemed to feel increasingly emboldened by what she knew to be true about Joe’s behavior being unacceptable and continued to make plans to try to find freedom. Clara had to get to the point where she was willing to let go of the reasons that kept her in the abusive relationship in the past (rejecting the Honeymoon Phase thinking that “he didn’t really mean it, he promised to change” and accepting that explosions will never stop or never not be seen as her fault).  Clara finally began to see explosions as boundary violations that were unacceptable. Clara ended up fighting for what really matters: safety for herself and her children. When Joe refused to agree to take concrete steps to change she placed herself outside the boundary of where Joe physically was and placed herself inside the protective boundary of being with family; a smart Warrior knows seeking safety is the first step to growing stronger and maintaining peace.

 

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I am proposing the following archetypal sequence:

The Innocent + The Caregiver + The Orphan + The Warrior = The Rebel. 

The idea of a Rebel archetype is mentioned briefly by Pearson:

“At some point, Orphans give up on failed authorities and take control of their own lives and when they do so, they become Rebels. The Orphan as Rebel works for justice and claims solidarity with all other oppressed, wounded, or suffering people, not because of any universal truth, but in response to an inner command.  There is no meaning but the meaning we create through our care for one another. The gift of the Orphan archetype is a freedom from dependence, a form of interdependent self-reliance. We no longer rely on external authority figures, but rather learn to help ourselves and one another. The Orphan learns there is no power more powerful and responsible than we are. There is not anything or anyone out there who is going to fix it for us. The answer is to take responsibility for our lives, lived in interdependence with others who are as Orphaned as we are.” p. 64

 

Though not entirely a new idea, The Rebel Archetype maps nicely the whole of the DV survivor’s experience of the cycle of violence. In the context of domestic violence we know it takes a kind of Rebel energy to exit the cycle of violence and coercive control. It is my assertion that Rebel energy accumulates as the cycle of violence continues to escalate and the survivor has traveled from innocence, to caring, to being orphaned and to summoning warrior energy, moment to moment. The person who escapes a DV situation becomes a rebel in leaving, in staying away from the toxic person; the maker of their cage.

 

The Rebel values freedom from restriction and is sensitive to all that dampens the human spirit; eventually Rebel energy (hopefully) rallies to liberate the DV survivor from the cage of abuse.

 

Shadow-Rebel energy involves fighting against all boundaries and rules to the point where laws may be being broken or people being hurt, there may be a feeling of being out of control. A couple of examples of Shadow-Rebel figures would be The Criminal (rebelling against laws) or The Saboteur (rebelling against self and what you want).

 

How do we see this Rebel energy in the story of Clara? Perhaps in the sequence of four archetypes already described that lead to Clara gaining her freedom. I would argue that Clara’s Rebel archetype bursts into full bloom when she made the decision to leave the abusive relationship. Warrior energy helped her get to that point but Rebel energy sustains her empowerment long-term. Uniquely Rebel moments in Clara’s story come when Clara takes a stand against what Joe is trying to control about her or her world. Joe’s efforts to maintain power and control create a sense of restriction, oppression and a feeling of being trapped for Clara. The status quo in the relationship had become one defined by coercive control, verbal abuse, lack of choice and even intimidation and physical abuse; it was key for Clara to begin to question and actively act to challenge her treatment in hopes of moving from surviving to thriving for herself and her children. Clara gathers resources before confronting Joe, making sure she is aware of how to be the safest in her pursuit of freedom (either freedom from abuse because Joe agreed to take concrete steps to change or freedom from abuse because Clara is no longer in a relationship with Joe). Once Clara hears from Joe himself that he is indeed refusing to take steps to change, he threatens her and Clara takes decisive action in the moment to get to safety but also seeks an Order of Protection with the help of a DV agency and eventually pursues separation and obtains a divorce. We even get a peek at her new-found freedom: Clara is pursuing higher education, advancing her career and even speaking to DV survivors. Clara rebelled against her husband because the status quo in their relationship was abusive and unacceptable for her and the kids. Clara found the courage to raise her voice and take action in the name of justice for her and her family.

 

Clara, like many survivors of domestic violence, had to tap into a part of self that knew she deserved more peace, more happiness and would not stand for ill treatment; she had to connect with the rebellious part of herself that had energy to fight for what was right. Every day this energy of the Rebel is embodied by survivors who have chosen to push themselves out of the cycle of violence. The only way to break the cycle of violence?  To rebel against it.  Sometimes we have to embrace our Inner Rebel to help us break down barriers that are restricting our spirit, our sense of possibility, freedom, creativity and even our very lives.

 

It is my belief that The Rebel Archetype is cumulative; it emerges during adversity, after innocence has been shattered, in a situation in which no amount of caring-for seems to positively affect it, after cynicism and compliance have run their course and you are convinced you will have to make do on your own like an orphaned soul, and after boundaries are finally being asserted, then, finally, the energy to refuse to just go along comes to stay; the energy to break free from toxicity of domestically violent relationship shows up. The Rebel is sacred energy for women who have experienced coercive control, it is like breathing oxygen after living under water for so long. Sometimes to rebel is the only path to freedom divine, freedom to finally be outside of a violent cycle.

 

Tapping Your Inner Rebel for Wild Woman Wisdom

The DV survivor Rebel has much in common with another archetype made famous by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes in 1992; the Wild Woman archetype as detailed in The Women Who Run With the Wolves.

 

Dr. Estes encourages that there is wisdom in inviting Wild Woman archetype energy into your life to strengthen yourself following an abusive relationship. She notes that wild women make poor targets for abusers. Women connected to their wildness have typically stepped into their authority, wisdom, power and see potential abusers and unfulfilling relationships coming from a mile away and, thus, are better at protecting themselves. Protection of self comes more naturally when naivety has lessened with life experience. Wild Women can serve as guides for younger women  who tend to start off being naive in knowing that the abuser or predator is out there.

 

So why can’t we just start off in our wild woman energy and avoid the abusive relationship from the beginning? Well, learning that the predator is out there tends to be a process for most women, one they have to live or find out for themselves about. If you are lucky to get wisdom guidance when you are young from a more experienced woman connected to her own wild woman energy, then you have a greater chance of avoiding the predator from the beginning. But, let us remember that as teens we knew everything and tended to be developmentally drawn to the Innocent/ Caregiver/ Orphan energy so even if we are told advice to avoid the predator, we may not take it. Not taking advice can actually lead to powerful learning!

 

The final post in this series on domestic violence will delve into Dr. Estes’ Wild Woman archetype and the wisdom she weaves through the story of Bluebeard. Stay tuned for the final installment in this series!

 

current music faves: new tori amos, old veruca salt, all things sufjan stevens

current show faves: the orville, this is us, stranger things season 2

see what’s going on at my practice at www.erynsmithmoeller.com

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DV Literacy

When this blog began I was working as an advocate for survivors of domestic violence or “DV” in Chicago. DV is a topic I’m passionate about both as an advocate but also on a personal level, both as a child witness of DV and as a survivor of DV myself in my teen years. As I considered my next topic for the blog I was stunned to realize that I’ve never discussed DV in any of my past posts! I feel I’ve been remiss in leaving out a topic that has resonated for me for so much of my life. And one that seems like “required reading” for being a human in 2017 if you want to be aware and responsible for recognizing the signs of DV.

First, some disclaimers:

Disclaimer #1: For the sake of writing ease, I will refer to survivors of DV as “she” or “her” and will refer to perpetrators of DV as “he” or “him”. Please know that I am very aware that males also suffer at the hands of DV perpetrators as well as there being abusers who are female. Statistically, the majority of DV survivors are women. Give me a break as a writer and try to go with it ;)

Disclaimer #2: I prefer using the word “survivor” rather than “victim”. We’ll get into this more over the next couple of posts, but the short answer as to why that is would be that I prefer “survivor” because it is more empowering and less blaming. Empowerment is especially important for any survivors reading this.

With that all said, let’s talk DV.

What is DV? How prevalent is it?

“Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that can include physical abuse, emotional or psychological abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse.” -National Network to End Domestic Violence

“Domestic violence involves a continuum of behaviors ranging from degrading remarks to cruel jokes, economic exploitation, punches and kicks, false imprisonment, sexual abuse, suffocating actions, maiming assaults, and homicide. Unchecked, domestic violence usually increases in frequency and severity. Many victims suffer all forms of abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse may be subtler than physical harm, but this does not mean that it is less destructive to victims. Many have said that the emotional scars take much longer to heal than the broken bones.”Barbara Hart, National Expert on Family Violence

As for frequency, DV is currently the leading cause of injury to women ages 15-44 in the United States—more than car accidents, muggings and reported rapes combined. That means that the number one reason for ER visits is… DV. The number one reason!!

The fact is that 1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Not all go to the ER, sure. And this does not include the men who will experience DV in their lifetimes. That’s A LOT of people being affected by this thing we call DV.

Many are injured physically by DV and some are killed. One-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner. Think about that next time you hear about a “crime of passion” on the news; take a minute to translate what that likely means, the crime likely involved dynamics of DV.

Let’s be honest, someone can be a “jerk” without being domestically violent. Someone rises to the level of being a perpetrator of domestic violence when they are motivated by power and control over someone else, typically a romantic partner though not always (see Power and Control Wheel below for more on this). Curiously enough, abuse can happen without laying a finger on someone. A huge takeaway here: not all DV is physical in nature! In fact most DV is verbally and emotionally abusive in nature! Make no mistake that those who show up in the ER for DV-reasons likely arrived there after a period of verbal and emotional abuse. Physical violence tends to occur as DV dynamics in the relationship escalate (see Cycle of Violence below).

Why don’t we hear more about it?

DV has been called the “silent epidemic”. Vice President Joe Biden called domestic violence a “public health epidemic” that requires urgent attention. Biden created VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) which funds domestic violence services across the USA, though President Trump has taken steps to strip this crucial funding.

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Yet, abuse is not always obvious.

Many survivors say “I never thought this would happen to me” or “how did this happen? I swear my partner wasn’t like this when we first met”. Indeed, abusive behavior often shows up in sudden and unexpected ways—often in a relationship that started off loving, fun, magnetic.

I think we all would love to believe that abusiveness is always obvious and could never hide in plain sight because then we could feel more certain in the belief that it could never happen to me—we tell ourselves we will see it and definitely avoid it. The idea that relationship-wrecking, dangerous abuse could somehow not be obvious scares us. But it’s true, not all perpetrators of abuse exhibit tell-tale signs from the beginning. It’s not as tidy a spectre to detect as we might like to assume. At least not right away. And physical abuse is only part of domestic violence, as we have seen. Many perpetrators slowly groom the person they are abusing using emotional abuse, verbal abuse and control. These other forms of abuse are much more subtle to notice, especially out of context, yet can result in lasting, if “invisible” damage to the survivor.

Watch stereotypes and victim-blaming.

People of all races are equally likely to be abused by a partner. DV occurs in all communities, amongst all races, socio-economic statuses, in all regions and to people of varying religious background and sexual orientation. Yet, when people are asked to picture a survivor of DV most people call to mind a woman, she’s likely Caucasian and maybe she’s crying with a broken bone and a black eye. The next thought is often “why didn’t she just leave? Couldn’t she see that her partner was dangerous before this happened?” Essentially, most of us want to assess how much she contributed to her own plight; surely some of this outcome was within her control? She could have avoided it better? Right? That is victim-blaming. People victim-blame, often unconsciously, in order to reassure themselves that the world is safe, that if they were in that situation they would see it; they would get out. Wouldn’t we? It’s scary to think that we could possibly be blind to danger or not as in control of a situation the way we believe we are. Leaving an abusive situation is not so simple and not always safe to do without a plan. Click here to learn more about the barriers to leaving a DV situation.

Learn how to spot potential abusiveness. Power, control and cycles are key.

That all being said there has been lots of research done showing that there DO exist concrete signs, predictors and patterns to the behavior of perpetrators of abuse.

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Abusive behavior never looks exactly the same in every case and yet there is a common thread, a pattern indicating a particular motive driving the behavior… that is the biggest clue; the motive and desire to maintain power and control over the other person. Though, noticing the “common thread” of behaviors, indicators, dynamics across situations is not always easy either. And so. We come to an area of ambiguity when it comes to what is abusive.

Typically, when working with survivors of DV I help them understand how a desire for power and control over others can motivate the perpetrator’s behavior and that, as it plays out, certain behaviors can be abusive. As I educate the survivor about what is known about dynamics of abuse, in general, the survivor often begins to connect what they had experienced in the relationship to what they now recognize is unacceptable treatment or “abuse”. They often notice what things, if any, resonate or are true for them in their own relationship. Letting the survivor come to this knowing on their own is key since they have likely been controlled in the past.  I always want this to be a moment of free will and choice, of recognition, illumination.

As I help the survivor learn to identify patterns of behavior that are in fact abusive, we examine how abusive behavior might be hurting the survivor and how behaviors of the perpetrator can function in keeping the survivor “stuck” in the situation. Many survivors I work with  recognize that a “pattern” or “cycle” keeps repeating in the relationship with their partners. Abuse is a cycle as you’ll see below:

 

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If these behaviors happened once or twice I’m unsure I would come to the conclusion that what is happening is DV. It’s the continual cycle of power and control that’s the real problem. The problem is the fact that the reconciliation period never lasts. Research shows that the severity and lethality of abuse worsens over time as the cycle continues.

Is anything more confusing than the person who says they love you also hurting you? DV survivors deal with a lot of uncertainty and ambiguity.

I think part of what’s so difficult for many survivors of domestic violence is the sense of uncertainty and ambiguity about their situations.  You probably think being physically assaulted or verbally abused would be pretty obvious, so what the heck am I on about exactly?  Allow me to explain: as a person in an abusive situation becomes more aware of the abusiveness from their partner it can get very confusing; what they “should” do becomes more cloudy or ambiguous. At this crossroads, there are often competing values that come strongly into play when thinking through what to do next, values such as: “families stay together and work through conflict”, “I don’t want my child to grow up without a father”, “I don’t believe in divorce” vs. “the children and I deserve to feel safe, both physically and emotionally, in our own home”, “those who love you don’t harm you”, “I want to teach my children what a healthy relationship looks like by being in one myself”. How do you get safety for you and your kids when your partner is displaying a pattern of abuse that makes you feel unsafe? How do you accomplish that safety AND remain living together and in the relationship together? What if you want to leave but there’s no money to do so? Not so simple, huh?

So, CAN perpetrators of DV actually change?

A common hope survivors have is that perpetrator of abuse might be able to change their behavior… and then they would be less abusive or even non-abusive! I agree, that would be great! There has been extensive research showing how likely it is for perpetrators of abuse to change and become non-offenders… First, there is the consideration of HOW the abuser is going to change and become less abusive. The answer has historically been getting the perpetrator into “perpetrator intervention groups”. And… guess who hates attending these groups? Perpetrators! (“Me? I’m not a perpetrator, she just won’t do what I want sometimes and she gets mad. Why should I have to go to an expensive group because she won’t do what I want?”) Thus, the numbers of perpetrators who go to group are extremely low. In fact, most groups are made up of 100% court-mandated perpetrators. Of those who do attend group to “learn to change”, the majority go on to re-offend as well. I’m sorry to say, it’s pretty dismal! Click here to read more. Let’s say you were going to place a bet on whether a perpetrator of abuse will change and become a non-offender for the rest of his life… what would you bet would happen? Ok, now picture that you are placing that bet and depending on if you are wrong or right, women and children could get hurt or killed. No pressure at all. For more on lethality predictors of DV click here.

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I talk with survivors at length about whether perpetrators of abuse–in general–can truly change or not. And then we talk about whether their specific partner can change. I like to focus on what we know about people in general changing. What are the steps one would take to effect a huge change in how they see the world, behave, and react in stressful situations? It’s not typically achieved through willpower alone but through the help of a professional, with a focus on introspection, a willingness to acknowledge one’s contribution to the problem and an investment in the goal (no abuse).

That being said, it’s typically a very tough moment for a survivor to recognize the chances of her partner changing are very slim. I’m not saying people can’t change just that you should be fully aware of how likely it is for someone to change and make your choices accordingly. What “should” a survivor do? Wait out a potentially dangerous situation in hopes of change? Or should she get out ASAP? 

There are no shoulds, there are only choices. 

I like to help my clients think through the possible outcomes of a variety of choices and then support them through those choices. Family members of survivors tend to take the path of “why don’t you leave already if it’s so bad?”. That brings us to the other reality, if a person being abused does choose to leave the situation (yay, that’s what we were all rooting for!) it is THE most dangerous time for her, the time she could most likely to be hurt or killed. The survivor is the expert in her abuser’s behavior; she knows best when it is safe or not-safe to leave. I encourage survivors to trust their gut on what to do, when to leave or not at this time or that time, etc.

Leaving is also a time of uncertainty and confusion for any children involved. It can be extremely difficult for the survivor, not just because of danger and the emotions of choosing to escape abuse, but also difficult in the financial sense. Many abusers exert control and power through monitoring or restricting access to money or forbidding her to work. If a survivor wants to leave she often has to do so with little to no financial resources. If she tries to leave and “fails” financially, the perpetrator of abuse is often around to welcome her back; one way the cycle continues yet again. Financial hardship or lack of access to funds is the number one barrier to survivors leaving.  Many who realize that what they are experiencing is indeed abusive and finally want to get out find it difficult to form a plan to leave because of money and logistical aspects involving moving out, no access to transportation—all of which involve money.  Thankfully there are free programs in every state that help survivors gain access to housing, food, transportation, legal advocacy, counseling and money management classes. Just like the one I worked at for 5 years. Click here to donate to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

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In closing, I hope you remember to check at the door victim-blaming, stereotypes and assumptions when considering what survivors of DV go through. I hope I’ve given you plenty of food for thought regarding  the complexities of what constitutes domestic violence. And I hope you are more “DV literate” than when you started reading :)

DV survivors often seek counseling at a time when they are at the most vulnerable and confusing part of their journey. It is my honor to be part of the survivor’s path toward healing and hope. I am now in private practice and working with survivors of DV is one of my specialties. And, yes, I always welcome referrals, especially working with survivors. Thanks for reading!

current music faves: lady gaga, sharon van etton, mazzy star

current show faves: love, life in pieces, snl

see what’s going on at my practice at www.erynsmithmoeller.com

 

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What if I told you one of the easiest, most versatile and affordable tools you could adopt for your “coping toolbox” for being mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy was… journaling.  Yes, that old chestnut. A favorite go-to of angsty teens everywhere turns out to be a remarkable tool for life-long self care.

I share my enthusiasm for journaling both as an avid journal-keeper myself as well as a therapist. Personally, I love going to coffeeshops and journaling. I sit down and “check in” with myself, see what’s *really* going on with me. Sometimes I doodle, sometimes I embroider quotes with colorful markers and pen. Sometimes I vent. Sometimes I stare out the window and then back at the empty page; permission to “just be”. If there’s a problem that I’m trying to tackle, I typically review all the variables, projected possibilities, pros and cons until an answer begins to emerge. Sometimes there is no “answer”, especially around things that are not in my control, but acknowledging the emotions I’m feeling makes me feel a little better.  And that, my friends, is something useful to know how to do! Keep a journal long enough and you have a record of your subjective experience across time, which is pretty neat to look back at later.

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Regular journaling often leads to more easily putting together the puzzle pieces of seemingly unrelated experiences into a more cohesive whole (pssst, that helps with meaning-making, problem solving and with feeling more “in control” of one’s life). Just writing down a description of what exactly you are experiencing during a given day… recording your thoughts, noticing your feelings and then perhaps following the bread-crumb trail to where those feelings began, studying and notating your own behavior… this can be a powerful tool that can help you in a multitude of ways.

As a therapist, I encourage people to allow themselves to be more curious. And perhaps try to record this curiosity.  Pull out pen and paper or, your phone if you prefer, and ask yourself questions about you, your life, your day, your process.  Be curious about why or why not you did something and why you did it the way you did.  There’s almost always a reason, a motivation, a pull, a purpose, a function… hiding in plain sight. Being curious about yourself is “fine-and-good” but doing it alone in your own head only gets you so far; it will only get you so much benefit. It’s kind of like doing a math problem in the air, we all get lost pretty quickly. So, it’s helpful to write all this complicated stuff down so you can work with it in a more “hands on” way!

Being curious on paper, now that’s a lot like a conversation! Or, perhaps like keeping detailed notes in a field experiment. Journaling is a safe place where you can say anything, a place to “try on” different ideas, solutions or to envision various possibilities… all to yourself, right where you can benefit from it by putting solutions into action.  If you want to.  Journaling might even help you realize all the excellent reasons to NOT act right now.  Understanding the why or why not can be comforting, illuminating, a relief.  It gives you more power and insight over your own existence.  Journaling can help you develop the super-power of self-knowledge… and that leads to personal growth.

So, Why Journal? How Does It Help Exactly?

Journaling has been studied extensively and been found to be beneficial in many ways.

  • Journaling has been shown to lead to long-term improvements in mood, reduced depressive symptoms, lower blood pressure

  • Journaling helps you discover patterns in your life or your behavior through “self-observation”. Journaling helps you document your experience for future reference or analysis. You could treat your journal like they are the field notes of a scientist studying and observing an interesting subject (you!) in the wild, noticing what happens in sequence and noting the results, being curious about how things might have gone had one variable been different or a different approach been taken.

  • Journaling helps  develop more understanding, compassion and gratitude towards others, yourself, your problem solving, your struggles, and the ways you cope with life. Journaling can help you learn to listen to yourself and pay attention to your own needs and desires, like a friend gently comforting you when you are freaking out. Here is a wonderful series by Kristin Neff on how to enhance self-compassion.

  • Journaling helps you sort through moments in life that are uncomfortable, ambiguous or uncertain.  It’s a primary tool to help tolerate sitting with ambiguity (which you know the soft animal of my body loves :)

  • Journaling can be used as a coping tool to get relief during difficult moments. It can reduce ruminating thoughts by serving as a container and space to organize thoughts.  Once you’re familiar with using journaling it can feel like an oasis, an access-point to feeling empowered and free in the midst of situations that may be disempowering or when you are feeling trapped.  Journaling is like a transporter in that way.  (Tip: try asking yourself “would writing help me right now?)

  • Journaling can be used to clear away the “cobwebs of the mind” or for “daily maintainance” of self care. Writing daily has the reported benefit of “clearing” the mind and giving relief to the writer in a way that could be useful if you are wanting to alleviate your mind of worries, “mental clutter” or stress.  Journaling is an opportunity to face problems head-on daily instead of letting them pile up.

  • Journaling cultivates curiosity and problem solving skills. Curiosity leads to insight, personal growth, gain perspective about self otherwise difficult to attain –

  • Journaling helps improve self esteem and self love.  Journaling helps you process/ notice destructive thinking or destructive circumstances, it helps you examine irrational or cruel ways of regarding yourself and practice being more self-loving.

  • Knowing yourself is one of the best ways to improve future relationships. Journaling helps you know yourself so you can be a better in each of your relationships.

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How to Journal… like, specifically, HOW do you start?

There are numerous approaches as to how to approach journaling.  There is no one right way to do it (thank goodness!) so think of it as a no-fail, low-risk situation we already know has numerous benefits.  First start with some guidelines:

Keep It Simple – don’t feel like you have to go out and get some fancy leather-bound journal–in fact if you know you’ll be tempted to keep that beautiful journal pristine and therefore not use it then skip getting the most gorgeous journal in the world.  Using a spiral-bound notebook like the kind you used in school may feel uninspiring or remind you of unpleasant homework.  I encourage you to use whatever is readily available, is utilitarian and that you like on some level (but maybe don’t love).  Sometimes when I’ve forgotten to bring my journal with me I’ve used post-it notes, scraps of paper, etc. and tape them in my journal later.

Let Go of Perfection – no need to manage your grammar here, let yourself write without censoring, let go of correctness or even making sense or having your words be legible (to everyone anyway). This space is for you, so let yourself go. Some find that focusing more on the quantity vs the quality of writing helps banish the critic.  If your goal is to write non-stop for 10 minutes you will focus on that task instead of how good what you write is, and that’s good.

Have Courage – please know that writing takes courage, vulnerability. It’s not always easy to “open up”, even to yourself. But as Brene Brown reminds us, vulnerability is a strength. With great risk comes great reward; writing is worth the risk because of what you’ll gain in insight, personal growth and cultivation of a handy coping skill.

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Then there’s the HOW of journaling techniques, of which there are many:

Start with just writing about your life – use journaling as a way to capture, document and describe in detail what is going on in your life right now. Capture your life “as is” and without judgment. You could use pictures, clippings from magazines or scrap-book paper, draw, make lists, use different colored pens or pencils, zentangle, write a poem, list what you ate, what you saw, what you read, favorite quotes, end your entry with naming what you’re thankful for at this very moment or with an affirmation that’s resonating with you.

Maintain a log of successes –  Begin by writing big ones you can easily remember and then try writing down small successes that occur during the week.  As you pay attention, the list will grow and serve to inspire and ground you.

Stream It – Dump It – Time It – Trying a variety of approaches to journaling often keeps the practice fresh and stimulating.  “Stream-of-consciousness” or dump-writing are easy ways to get journaling quickly and without judgement tripping you up.  According to Samara O’Shea in her beautifully written book Note to Self: On Keeping A Journal And Other Dangerous Pursuits, she describes stream-of-consciousness writing:

Stream-of-consciousness writing is mental anarchy and spring-cleaning all in one.  It’s like going into the basement, turning the tables over, breaking the records in half, cutting the stuffed animals open with a sharp pair of scissors (and feeling much better afterward), then putting it all out just in time for the garbage man to collect.

To get started, O’Shea suggests beginning with any word (which will inevitably lead you somewhere); picking an emotion that’s been overwhelming you lately or one that you haven’t felt in a long time; or asking yourself a question.

Dump-writing is, essentially, what Julia Cameron of “The Artist’s Way” recommends.  She calls it doing “Morning Pages”.  You can set a timer for 10 minutes or decide ahead of time that you’ll write 3 pages longhand without stopping.  She emphasizes doing this exercise first thing in the morning which provokes claity, comfort, prioritizes your mind and synchronizes the day at hand… clearing out the “cobwebs” of the mind.  The nice thing about dump writing is there’s no wrong way to do it.  They are not high art.  They are about anything and everything that might cross your mind.  They are for your eyes only.

Change your writing style to match your mood – If you are angry, maybe scratch large red words there, if you are feeling uncertain or scared, maybe write tiny words in a spiral shape. You could also write using colored pencils or pens and see what colors you are drawn to or which match the emotion you are feeling.

Guided Journaling Often Gets You Thinking– There are TONS of writing prompts out there. Some examples to try:

  • How am I feeling? How do I want to feel?
  • What does my soul want me to know?
  • What would an ideal day for me look like, sound like? How can I make such a day happen in the next month?
  • What do I want to learn about myself?
  • What do I want to change about myself? What would I never change about myself?
  • Describe the room, describe the people in your life, describe yourself.
  • Describe the aspects of your life that you are pleased with and those areas you’re displeased with.
  • What questions would inform the work you are doing?
  • What intuitions do you notice?
  • What are some of the forces driving you?
  • What fascinates you?
  • What is your particular understanding of yourself, your past, your family, your purpose?
  • What do you hope for in the future?
  • What is being revealed to you?
  • What puzzles you?
  • What questions might you ask of yourself and of your work?
  • What is it you have been given to say?

I also like the book “The Creative Journal” by Lucia Capacchione.  It’s a book full of guided prompts around certain personal growth topics such as “Where You’re At, Where You’re Coming From”, “Who You Are”, “How You Are With Yourself”, “How You Are With Others”, “What Your Higher Self Knows”, and “Where You’re Going”. The prompts can be used using writing, drawing, art-making, poem-making, or whatever medium you like at the time with a goal of self-exploration.

Get Inspired Using the Words of Others – Write down lines from a poem or quote that inspires you or copy quotes in fancy lettering.  Let yourself doodle with eyes open or eyes closed.

Write with your subdominant hand – Subdominant hand writing helps access your unconscious mind. You can start a dialogue with your inner child by writing with your subdominant hand. Try answering with your dominant hand.  What issues emerge?  This kind of writing can also be used to tap into or develop your intuition.  For example, your could write down concerns or questions you have for your “higher self”.  Take a deep breath and listen for a response. Let yourself write automatically.If you don’t get an answer right away, look and listen for signs between journal sessions.

Tap into a new perspective by using the third person – Try writing about yourself in the third person and you’ll find it helps give you distance from the problem and gives a different perspective.  Afterward, write down what you learned about you.  This is especially helpful if you are struggling with something that’s disturbing you.

Starting to see why journaling is like the swiss-army tool of coping?  If not, maybe try journaling about it…

current music faves: phantogram, tori a (as always), florence and the machine

current show faves: the oa, this is us, american crime story

see what’s going on at my practice at www.erynsmithmoeller.com

Aside from living in extremes, there are subtle ways we throw ourselves out of balance.  One that comes up a lot is when things get increasingly uncertain, unclear or ambiguous. 

When stakes are high, sitting with ambiguity can feel especially unbearable and most of us will try to push it away.  It’s normal to feel a bit uncomfortable with a high level of uncertainty.  It’s also normal to do a bunch of stuff–like try to control everything and get all grumpy–as a way to combat the anxiety that comes with sitting with so much ambiguity.

When things aren’t moving as fast as we would like it can be tempting to start pushing.  Hard.  We may really come out of the bag with our Sthira-selves:  controlling, pushing, busying, holding-on and efforting ourselves into a frenzy.  We overburden ourselves with tasks, we do all the things we think might make us feel more certain and then think of more things. 

Some of us drink the workahol down, yum.  And then we start to break down.  Because our bodies, minds and spirits are tired from all the effort.  And look!  The highly uncertain thing we can’t-control-but-want-to is still there, unchanged!

Huh.

There’s a saying, “you can’t push the river.”  Sometimes things are going to go the way they’re going to go, even if we pull out all the stops.  Sometimes trying to control forces that are bigger than ourselves is useless.

 

Letting go is about giving yourself permission to ease up.  It’s about seeing that it is actually better to let go than hold on.  Sometimes holding on is hurting you more than helping you.  I’m reminded of a post I wrote a few years ago about hoarding.  Hoarders hold on to so much stuff that it can get to the point where their holding-on is making them sick or threatening their housing.

We need to wake up when holding-on is hurting us. 

We need to cultivate curiosity about how we might be using something to hold onto in order to feel a sense of control in world that feels out of control.  When we allow ourselves to really see the reality that we are safe, that attachment is an illusion, that the present moment is all there is, we let go.  Or on faith, not knowing these things… we let go and learn.

Letting go is part of the course-correction system that can bring us back to life, back to balance.

current music faves:  the national, pixies

current show faves:  real time with bill maher, once upon a time

Visit me at www.erynsmithmoeller.com

Now that we’ve explored Sukha (easing up, letting go) and Sthira (control, effort), let’s explore what being out of balance looks like and how to not live in extremes.

It is interesting to consider the imbalance created if one were to live life in full-on Sukha-mode. With only ease, relaxation and softening we may cease to accomplish much of value, atrophying while we sit on the couch, allowing Netflix to auto-play the next binge-watched episode into infinity.

In contrast, in full-on Sthira-mode: only effort, control, pushing and holding on, we may become tyrannical workaholics, dogged in our ambitions and achievement-orientedness. Relentless in pursuit of exact outcomes or expectations of self or others we stay busy but lose soul.  Exhaustion sets in but you don’t notice until you fall over because your body says “no” when you won’t.

Living in either extreme tends to become out-of-balance and feel unhealthy after a while. Eventually we notice and try to correct-course.  That being said, it isn’t easy to regain balance.

For example, someone seeking employment for months on end would understandably exercise Sthira a lot with efforts toward improving their station in life and generating income on which to live. Certainly a logical goal. Finding work does indeed require the effort of Sthira. But even in the context of job searching, one’s tireless efforts can become obsessive and cause suffering. Even the job seeker needs balance, I would argue, to be the most effective candidate. She or he needs to be well-rested, relaxed, pulling from her Sukha-side, yet confident and skilled and strengthened in their area of expertise, bringing her Sthira-best; balanced.

Another example might be someone doing online dating and hoping they will meet the partner of their dreams. They have put in the effort of creating a compelling profile, responding to inquiries over email, working on improving their appearance perhaps; putting forth effort to achieve the desired outcome (rocking the Sthira effort stuff). In this case, finding the partner of one’s dreams is not an especially controllable outcome (despite excellent efforts). Isn’t it funny how things happen when people stop looking? Maybe sometimes Sukha or letting go of control and expectation could be key to the goal itself in the end? Though, it is good to note that not putting a dating profile up at all would not necessarily help the goal (must have the Sthira effort along with the letting go of Sukha).

 Together, steady efforts of Sthira (in yoga or in life) along with the softening and allowing of Sukha creates balance.  Grace Duckworth beautifully states the need to balance both Sukha and Sthira:

In asana practice, when we push ourselves 100% we lose track of our breath because we can no longer control the pace – this is all sthira, only steadiness or effort. On the other end of the spectrum when we find something that is comfortable – like practicing the same posture the same way over and over without challenging a new approach – this is all ease or surrender. We have to find balance between the two. When something is challenging we cannot only push, we have to release somewhere; and when something is easy we search for a way to bring more to the posture or our practice.

“Just find balance” sounds cliche, I know.  But it’s kind of awesomely helpful putting it into practice.  Sukha/ Sthira offers a deeper way of looking at this truth, perhaps inviting it to take root more fully in your life. 

These new ideas can bring new awareness to when we might be pushing too hard or it may help you notice when you might not be pushing hard enough.  Balancing ourselves is hard but noticing when we’re out of balance and trying to do something about it is a great start.

For me, I struggle more with too much Sthira, too much doing and not enough easing up. I began to notice when I was overdoing it. I gave myself permission to ease up, let go, let myself not work so hard, and guess what?  I was okay! I didn’t even feel guilty, I felt an opening up of possibilities and confidence that things will be alright, even if I’m not putting forth effort all the time.  I learned that my working hard is great and all but there’s a limit at which it begins to backfire.  There’s a point at which ease, relaxation and letting go is MORE beneficial than working even harder.

By allowing ourselves to be more gentle, more relaxed, more open while putting forth effort and doing awesome stuff, that’s when true growth happens and we find balance.

current music faves:  brandi carlile, sia

current show faves:  extant, hollywood game night

Visit me at www.erynsmithmoeller.com

Over the next few weeks we’ll be exploring the theme of balance in a series I’m calling Hacking a Yoga Sutra:  Balance, When to Push Harder and When to Let Go.

We begin with defining balance and it’s components according to a yoga sutra.  Look for parts 2 and 3 (how not to live in extremes, regaining balance) in the coming weeks!

~Namaste!  Thanks for reading,

Eryn

 


 

How do you know when you are out of balance?

Do you only notice when you start to snap at people, when you’re feeling sluggish at work, when you’re binging on ONE category of life (only working, only partying, only eating, only sleeping etc.)?  Or maybe when you find yourself compulsively trying to control things around you.

What is “balance”, anyway?

Balance is defined as the equilibrium of power between opposing forces or the point between two opposite forces that is desirable over purely one state or the other. Most of us try to return to a constant state of stability, to re-balance when thrown off (think homeostasis of a self-correcting system). Yet, how balance is created, regained or maintained over time is a bit more murky: often there’s a lot of new age talk about self-care and moderation in all things.

In whichever context, regaining balance is easier said (or cleverly placed in a meme) than actually done.  You know, lived out and achieved. Balance is the stuff of acrobats, yogi gurus and nutritionists.

How do everyday people find balance?

In a yoga class recently (where I have been learning physical balance on the mat), the instructor was talking about yoga sutras and the ideas therein about effort, ease and balancing the two.  Apparently, these sutras have long defined and suggested underpinnings of balance. It’s in the context of successful yoga poses, sure, but I detect usefulness on a universal level.

 


 

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

Chapter 2.46  contains the phrase “Sthira Sukham Asanam” which refers to a yoga posture “being firm yet happy, steady yet comfortable.”  T. K. V. Desikachar describes the state of satva (equilibrium or balance) as “attention without tension, loosening-up without slackness.”

Sukha is the ease and softness needed in a yoga pose while Sthira is the effort and steadiness required. Together they interplay to create a pleasantly balanced pose.  Sukha and Sthira are dialectical opposites, yet complimentary:

Sukha                                            Sthira
Ease                                         Steadiness
Relaxation                                  Alertness
Letting Go                               Holding On
Allowing                                Pushing Oneself
Release                                         Strength
Surrender                                       Effort
Softening                                      Firmness
Vulnerability                                In Control

The literal translation of Sukha is “having a good axle hole.”   Ha, ha, right, “if only my axle hole were better, I would feel more at ease.”  Seriously though, maybe my axle hole is kind of difficult at times…

Sukha is a unique way of envisioning being at ease, open, surrendering to what will come.  Many people resist “letting go”, assuming it may be followed by things falling apart!  We like to feel we are in control so, often, we cling to things in an effort to allay anxiety.  As Americans, our focus tends to be very do-do-achieve-think-make-it-happen Sthira-focused.  But what if letting go didn’t have to be synonymous with things falling apart? 

Perhaps letting go allows things to fall into place.

 

current music faves:  new tori amos, silversun pickups

current show faves:  breaking bad, revisiting the wonder years

breakfast today:  pineapple coconut greek yogurt with granola, everything bagel

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Recently a lot of things happened to me.  I won’t go into it all, but a lot of gut-wrenching, confusing, ugly things piled up in the span of about 3 weeks.  Tears were shed, I noticed my shaking voice and shaking hands as I tried to compose myself and make sense of what was going on with this pile-up of misfortunes in one area of my life.   Maybe there is a “reason” that these things are happening… to get my attention about something.

So I started wondering:  what does shaking “tell us”?  What about being shaken up by events in life?

When We Shake Because of Life

Why do we tremble or shake sometimes?  There might be vibrations, agitation so deep it’s involuntary; equilibrium is being disturbed somehow.  I know my arms start to shake in yoga if I’ve held downward-facing-dog for too long.  Shaking can be a sign of your muscles working so hard they are threatening to give out.

Sometimes when I tremble it’s because I’m emotionally thrown off or upset and my body is trying to cope.  It’s a sign I’m attempting to adapt to what’s happening around me.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma, I also know that shaking can be part of the trauma response, even years after the actual event has ended.  Often there is pent up “fight-or-flight” energy stored in the body and, when finally discharged in therapy, can come out in a physical release, including shaking, crying, etc.

Of course, most people think it uncivilized or inappropriate to shake, cry or flail–all of which are the body’s natural pressure valve, the way the body normalizes following a trauma.  So, let yourself feel, let yourself move, allow yourself to let go.  Trust you are shaking for a good reason.  Listen for what that reason might be…

I know anxiety, anticipation, fear of uncertainty may be present for me if I feel myself start to shake.  Our bodies often give clues as to what’s going on for us–there’s a physical sensation that “goes with” an emotional or psychological phenomenon.

When Life Shakes Us Up

Let’s contrast here, what about feeling “shaken up”?  How is that different? 

Feeling shaken up is often more about things happening that are unsettling, things going wrong in some big ways followed by an Aha! moment.  Maybe we are shaken out of a place of being stuck, dislodged from a place we may not have even been fully aware we were at a full-stop, unmoving, or not growing. 

Sometimes you might be shaken up and realize you need to get out of a familiar-but-abusive relationship or a work-place.  But leaving the familiar means opening to a non-abusive yet unknown place.  Sometimes it’s a wake up call to look to the bigger picture and what really matters.  Being shaken up can be an opportunity, even a blessing, to awaken to the previously hidden realities of a harmful situation.

Whether physically shaking or emotionally waking up to stagnation in our lives, the data we get from these experiences can increase our awareness of what’s really going on and invite us to ask ourselves what we want to do about it.  It can be an opportunity to be curious about how our overall equilibrium was disturbed (is there a status quo you are no longer “ok” with, one that needs to change, needs to be thrown off perhaps?). 

Are you working too hard for too little gain?  Are you staying in a toxic situation when it no longer makes sense to do so?  Have you grown complacent to a bad situation you’ve refused to acknowledge is growing toxic?  Or maybe you know it’s toxic and just haven’t found the time to DO anything about it?  Your body, your mind, hell, The Universe may be tugging on your sleeve to  w  a  k  e    u  p!

Maybe it’s time to listen deeper.  Maybe it’s time for a change.  The Shake-Up may be trying to say ‘Trust and be open to the unknown’ or ‘You are worthy of a better situation, don’t waste another minute here!’.  If life has shaken you up, maybe even try shaking your body and see what it feels like!  Shake and awake!  Connect with this shake-up situation and invite the wisdom in.

Pay attention to the trembling self, to the shaken up self. 

Sometimes you need to shake off the things you can’t control, or take control of the things that are no longer serving you. 

Awaken to the reality you are allowing in your life. 

Make the most of the things you can control and find a way back to the big picture of what brings you the most joy.  Trust the shake up!

sky

current music faves:  sharon van etten, icona pop

current show faves:  the good wife, silicon valley, grey’s anatomy

breakfast today:  sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, iced tea

Visit me at www.erynsmithmoeller.com